You were once so pure

innocence lit your eyes

when you smiled

my soul sang praises

how blessed a mother was I.

You filled my arms with sweetness

I nurtured you with love

my heart was your shelter

for your sorrows, your salve.

We were happy together

then you came to your own one day

how crushed was I to see

that you have lost your way.

Your life nourished with sweetness

now spews nothing but vile

your once beautiful soul

had become distorted by guile.

Where did I go wrong, little one

I wish I can turn back the time

correct all of my mistakes 

and save you from this evil clime.


Today, I, with the rest of the country and the world,  mourn the tragedy in Connecticut.  It was a horrific and senseless act.   When I learned the news, I looked at my children, thanked God that they are safe, and imagined myself in the place of the parents of the children involved in this tragedy.  I could not.  Just thinking about the evil thing pained me so much.  So, I could not imagine the magnitude of grief and sorrow of the Sandy Hook parents and community.  I can only pray for their consolation and in my humble way, join them in their grief.  May God console them in this trying time.

I wanted to write something to remember those who died.   But my mind, smarting from news of another young person who went on a shooting rampage in a mall in Oregon, focused on the mother of the persons who caused the tragedies.   It may be that as a mother, my one great fear, is for my children to become evil and to cause misery.  I remember so well the oft admonition of my father  ‘better to be owed than to owe’.   That was the closest translation I could have from the Tagalog idiom.  To him, it was better that we, his children,  suffered the pain than to have caused the pain.   It may not sit well with today’s generation of parents and children, but I think it is still good advice.

How  much pain does a mother of  the killer bear?  I could not fathom that either.  But my heart also goes out to her.

18 thoughts on “A MOTHER’S LAMENT

  1. Thank you for remembering this particular mother. Honestly, sincerely, thank you. As the mother of a son who was aggressive when he was young, I lived in almost perpetual fear that someday my son’s aggression would lead to him hurting someone else. It is a horrible, hard-to-live-with- yourself kind of fear. A fear for your son and a fear for some unknown, imagined, but could-they- be-real-someday victim. This fear drove me to do whatever was in my power to help my son overcome his aggression, to help him communicate with words what was hurting him. I am so very, VERY fortunate to say that my greatest fear did not come true. As yesterday’s events unfolded he was safe at home. He worked so very hare to overcome incredibly difficult obstacles and I am so very proud of him. And yes, I am relieved. And I am, and will always be heartbroken when such stories happen, not only for the victims, but for the perpetrator and the mother of the perpetrator. She will live out my greatest fear. She will live out a nightmare no mother should have to live. Thank you again for your beautiful post, as you can tell, it hit me… and that is what good writing does! 🙂

    1. I appreciate your input so much, Life&Ink. I doff my hat to you for your courage and perseverance. Stories like yours make mothers heroes in my eyes. I share your joy at how lovely your child grew up. Being a mother myself, I often complain to my husband how difficult it is to raise children. I know, all mothers, with the exception of a few, want their children to become responsible and good adults. The mother who is unfortunate to have a ‘bad’ child (pardon my term, I do not have anything better) rarely has difficulty finding consolation. They are more likely to encounter condemnation, especially when her child commits an act as horrific as the one in Sandy Hook.

  2. This mother will not have to go through this horror, he killed her first, which may have been a god-send.
    I also always think of the parents in cases like this. It is such a terrible tragedy to everyone.

    1. In a way, it is true, Angeline, She was spared the horror of the full magnitude of her son’s work. At first, I thought she was the kindergarten teacher. God rest her soul.

      now, the rest of the killer’s family has to face this nightmare. May God help them.

  3. its hard…and we can take that personal responsibility for the decisions our kids make…we try our best to instill in them but they do have to make their own decisions at some point as well….and i think the other thing is we all need to realize that at times we need help raising kids…it takes a village….its heart wrenching…

    1. So true – once children become adults, they chart their own life, make their own choices. As parents, we can only hope that the children will choose right and do right. True, there should be a support system for the family.
      It is difficult to wrap one’s head around this tragedy.

  4. There is so much pain in this, Imelda…I wondered the same thing. Since you missed the link you may want to link it on Tuesday’s OLN. I suspect there will be a lot of us who will address the horror of the shooting, but yours is a unique perspective.

    1. Thank you, Victoria for coming by. 🙂 True, a lot may have been moved to write about this tragedy if only to help them make sense of it all, at least on paper. 🙂

    1. Thank you, Adinparadise. Poor mother. She too was a victim. As Angelinem said, and I agree, it may have been God-send that she died and was spared having to face the horror of her son’s work.

  5. I wrote a poem eerily reminiscent to yours on my son, who has a severe anger disorder with no love or conscience. So it struck a strong cord with me. And I agree, the parents of children who perform evil of this scale are to be pitied. Most likely they have travelled the same road as I, attempting to get help for their child with nothing but rebuffs. Now, the police and psychiatrists say that he has to commit a crime before any attention is given. I guess the adage “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” is no longer valid.

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